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I don't know how else to deal with this other than to just avoid it completely. I know I can't run for long, but right now I just need to feel like I have a sense of control.

I feel like such an escapist at times.

I wish deleting people from my life was as easy as deleting them off my phone. But to a certain extent it helps, oddly enough. Somehow deleting contacts off my phone or chatlogs makes me feel like I've made a decision to erase a person from my life and that for once I get to be the one making that decision.

I'm so thankful for the people that I can turn to and rant whenever I feel shitty. But at the same time it sucks to know that as much as I'd like to turn to certain people for comfort and reassurance, situational factors dictate that I can't anymore.

In life things have to work both ways. You can't keep running towards people who don't want to be there. Sometimes people just don't want to be caught up in your life anymore. Maybe because you've grown apart and don't hold as much importance anymore or maybe because they eventually grew tired of your shit. And sometimes they just lack the capacity to understand.

You might think someone's your friend and they might even blatantly claim that you're good friends, yet somehow they end up being the one who makes you realise how "friendship" only runs skin deep.

The past few months have made me realise that people can be so easily swayed. People are so quick to judge. They judge you based on what you've done, or what they've seen you do. It does't matter how you've treated them all along, cause it just isn't significant enough. People don't care about the person you are or the person they thought you were, because just one negative deed is enough to alter their impression of you completely.

It's sad how a single negative event triumphs everything else positive that you've ever done.

But then again, "friendship" itself is a very fragile thing to begin with. You could be friends for years and know each other better than you know yourselves, but still, nothing is indestructible. All it takes is just one small splinter to be stuck in it, and it'll never be the same again. They say time heals all wounds and maybe it does, but I don't have a whole lifetime to spend waiting.

I wish I could go back, start anew, and stop everything from screwing up in my own hands at the first warning sign. But that would be a lot of things to change wouldn't it..

Sometimes I wonder how things would be like right now if things took a different path in the past..

But it's okae, I will walk out of this. I don't know how or when, but someday, I will.