Awakening.

"I'm afraid of falling in love, I don't want to get hurt again."

I used to hear people say this and I could never really understand why. I always thought this was just an excuse of some sort to cover up the actual fact that they haven't gotten over their past relationship. I guess I just thought that if you really and truly have gotten over something, it wouldn't affect you anymore.

After all, if anyone should be afraid of falling in love or getting hurt, I'd probably be on top of that list. But I'm not, or at least I wasn't.

Somehow it's really weird. It's like I know falling out of love and getting dumped sucks and the feelings you feel are just..horrible, but it just doesn't leave a deep enough impression for me to be constantly plagued by memories of that dark dark period of time. After I get over a r/s, I just don't think about it anymore. Unless I happen to experience something that triggers nostalgia..but even then, the times that I'd think about are the happy times.

Based on what I've learnt in Psychology lectures, I've probably suppressed those memories cause they were too hurtful or something like that.

Okay, but wdv, this post isn't about analysing my memories/feelings. Now moving on to my main point..

I just came across something just now that made me remember how being hurt felt like. It reminded me how torturous that month or so was. Of cause that was the latest memory I actually had/could remember, because before that the other most recent time I actually felt that hurt was probably 3 years ago or something like that.

Of cause I've felt like crap every now and then, but the hurt I'm talking about is different from the usual "my life sucks, why don't you like me like how I like you" kinda hurt. There's unrequited feelings, and then there's losing someone you thought you'd spend forever with.

In the latter, it feels as though everything you've lived for just stops and ends right there. Your life literally feels meaningless. It feels as though you've lost a part of you which you're (in that moment) certain you'll never get back. You feel as though you'd do anything (and I really do mean anything) just to get that person back. You'd don't feel like talking to anyone, going anywhere, or doing anything. You don't even feel like bathing! Yea, you'd be amazed at how long I went without taking a bath..or eating for that matter. And I love food. A lot. 

You spend hours and hours on end looking at old photos, wondering how things got from that to its current state. You do desperate things like texting the person who dumped your sorry ass, in some deluded state, thinking you'd be able to salvage things. You're in denial. You keep thinking that this is just a "rough patch" that you both are going through and that you'd get back together eventually. However when it's clear that that's not gonna happen, you're unable to accept it. You start feeling 10x worse and 10x more lifeless. You start throwing your pillow at your wall, or punching your pillow as though it'd make things better but it doesn't help at all. And when you realise punching your pillow doesn't help, you start punching the wall, before realising that it actually hurts. Physically. Yea, like emotional pain doesn't already hurt enough.

Your chest feels hollow. And it's not just a descriptive phrase. It really does feel hollow. I don't know how that is even possible, but it is. It either feels hollow or it feels as though there's this huge weight pressing down on where your heart used to be. You're perpetually sad, you cry and sleep all day. You cry and cry and cry until your vision gets blurry and one day you just can't cry anymore. The tears just stops, but the feeling is still there. And what's worse than crying all day? It's not being able to cry at all. 

And when you finally stop hibernating and take the first step out of your house in days, every single thing reminds you of what used to be. You go to the shopping center.."he was here with me once", you take a bus.."we took this bus together once", you go and have lunch.."we ate together once". You walk around and all you see are memories. You have to deal with that and if that's not bad enough, try dealing with that while struggling to keep yourself from crying in public and looking psychotic.


That, is how having your heart broken feels like. And it really scares me now that I'm reminded of it. "I'm afraid of falling in love, I don't want to get hurt again." Now I can totally understand why people would say that.