Was listening to this song and it just brought about this strange ambivalent feeling. It's something between a mixture of sadness and happiness. It's a longing for happy times that used to be..

And I realised I miss feeling that way. I miss having special memories to look back on and to look forward to reliving those memories again and experiencing those feelings once more.

That was the way I used to feel whenever I think about him before. I used to have this hope, that one day he'd come back and things would go back to the way it was before. But slowly I began to lose that hope..and it was just plain longing for someone that I know would never be mine. And eventually I realised that I don't even long for his return anymore. That was when I knew I was over him. Yea, that happened just a few weeks ago and that realisation, that moment, it felt so liberating and surreal.

I know most of my friends would be rather skeptical when I tell them this, cause I've said it before but eventually I still went back to that stupid cycle of longing for him. But this time it's different. I don't know how to explain it, but it just feels different. In the past it was always me making use of someone to get my mind off him, but this time..the moment I realised I was over him, I didn't even have anyone in my life and I wasn't even talking to anyone.

Anws, yea although it's liberating and I feel so much happier lately, I do kinda miss feeling that way. I miss missing someone, I miss feeling that longing. But at the same time I know that with such longing comes heartache as well, and I'm afraid of that.

Actually there still is someone that's special to me right now, but I really can't afford to fall any deeper. It's really quite ironic that I'm feeling this way, being afraid. It took me quite awhile to tell myself to give up on that hope, and although feelings don't just go away like that, at least it doesn't hurt that bad anymore. And I really don't want to go through that again. I guess I'd rather walk away and give up on any possible chance than to stay and get hurt.

But walking away is easier said than done, isn't it?