I used to have this romantic notion that one day I'll meet the guy of my dreams and then everything will just fall into place and we'll live happily ever after..
But as time went by, I started wondering if I'll ever meet such a person. I wondered if such a person even exists.
I don't know when or why I started feeling this way, but somewhere along the way, I just kinda lost hope. Looking back at my past relationships, I started wondering when was the last time I actually looked at someone and thought "I want to be with him forever".
I realised most of the times I'd ask myself, "Can you see yourself marrying this guy?" and my answer would be, "I guess I could".
It wasn't a "I want to be with him forever/I need to be with him forever". I don't know if anyone has ever felt this way before (and I don't mean only immediately after a breakup), but there was once I spent the longest time feeling this immense emptiness everytime I thought of a future without this particular person. It sounds really stupid right now, but at that point of time I truly believed he was the only one I wanted to be with. And I when I eventually got over it, I never felt that way about anyone else again.
And it wasn't because I didn't love* them..but I guess somehow, there was always something that didn't fit. It would always be something that shouldn't even matter like..him being more Chinese spoken and me being English speaking. Or that we had different academic backgrounds**. Or economic backgrounds**. Or because we came from different kinds of families**. His mother would be the more traditional kind, or maybe because he had a sister. And somehow I don't know why, but I could never really click well with the sisters of my ex-boyfriends***. And as fate would have it, most of my ex-es all had sisters, sigh.
Other times, it would just be personality differences. He'd be too serious, making me seem childish. Or basically just because we can't really connect. I need someone that's able to joke with me and act stupid together, but at the same time I also want to be able to have meaningful conversations with him. I want to be able to talk about our future, our goals, our beliefs and life.
* Love in this sense is pretty debatable. I wouldn't even know if love really was love because it's just way too complex to be defined by a single meaning.
** I know stuff like academic/economic/family backgrounds shouldn't even matter, but it does. You're bound to have different beliefs and ideologies based on what you were brought up to believe and your social settings.
*** My "ideal relationship" involves me loving his family and vice versa. And if I can't click well with his siblings, well..it really isn't very ideal, is it? I wouldn't want my boyfriend to be caught between me and his family afterall. Guess this means one of the first few questions I need to ask a guy in the future is, "do you have a sister?" lol.
So yea..all this just really makes me doubt the fact that I'll ever find the "perfect guy". In fact right now I'm beginning to wonder if I even have the capacity to truly love someone.
I'm not gonna end this post saying "maybe I'm just better off alone," because despite everything, I'm still a die hard romantic and I need my prince charming to make my fairytale come true. Sigh.
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