I started off believing that I could change things as long as I tried hard enough. I thought that as long as something was worth it, in my eyes at least, it'd be worth fighting for. The reasons, the excuses, I heard it all. But I thought to myself, faith and having the determination to change things meant more than that.
However eventually I was still proved wrong. Like all the times before. Guess somethings once the crucial moment is over, once an impression is made, the perception changed, no matter what you do, nothing is gonna change it. Made worse maybe, but not fixed.
So I thought, if I couldn't have this..maybe there was something else that could make me happy. I had this whole list of things I wanted. I always wondered why people would be willing to spoil friendships and betray their own conscience just for the sake of money. Is money really that important?
The answer I've found, is that it's not. It's not important in the sense that you'd die if you weren't rich. It's not true that you can't be happy if you're poor. But of cause, to be happy even when you don't have money takes a lot more. It requires something that's so much harder to find, to grasp hold of, to keep.
But it's alright if you didn't have that. Monetary wealth can make a rather close substitute as well.
It worked, to a certain extent. Keeping myself really busy in the process helped as well.
Got exposed to the harsh reality of the business world. How people would go against their own conscience, make use of people, and misuse the trust of others to their own advantage. Once again I asked myself, if this was really worth it. To come home everyday without a peace of mind, feeling as though you've done something wrong. And the worst part was, you were not even fully aware of what you're getting yourself into. I might not have lied, but deliberately hiding the truth from others..does that make you any better a person? Is this really the only way to do things in the business world? Exploiting the loopholes, using information which you deliberately hide from others, to your own advantage?
And I realised that this isn't the way things should be. I don't have to do this.
Took awhile, but things were finally beginning to look up again. For approximately 24 hours, I actually felt happy. To actually be getting what I set my eyes on for once, in a very long while (or at least that's what it felt like). It actually felt good. It made me realise that I shouldn't have to hold on so tight to something that was rapidly slipping away and having hurt myself in the process.
Then something changed. I don't really know what it was, but something just felt different. Like it wasn't what I wanted anymore.
But the funny thing was, as I lost interest and it began slipping away, suddenly the longing came back. Maybe it's just a syndrome of "only wanting something you can't get".
Where's the point in that then, right?
Decided to try my luck again in what I call my own personal "jackpot machine". But of cause like all jackpot machines, the chances of winning is one in a million. The chances are so low, the moment you slot your coin in, you don't even expect to win. But you do anyway, thinking that one day you might just get extremely lucky and win the jackpot. However, I'm not a gambler. Maybe I used to be. I used to place too much hope in a bet, get too caught up, let it affect me a little too much..but I've learnt better. I don't even like gambling anymore. Guess the only reason I do it is..just for the fun of it? Or maybe a small part of me still hopes that one day I might actually hit the jackpot.
In case you don't get me, I meant this in a metaphorical sense. I am not and never was a gambler. Not really much of a risk taker and I'm pretty much contented with my lot. What's the point of risking everything for greed?
So anws, as of right now I'm neither here nor there. I'm pretty close to the end, where everything is at this neutral standpoint. Maybe I've already reached, I'm not really sure yet. But from now on, I'll just let nature take its course.
-edit-
Feeling pretty shitty right now and I don't know why. Okay, maybe not so much shitty as I feel empty. Call me needy or whatever, but I just really really dislike being alone. I mean, I'm fine being alone..in the literal sense..but what I cannot stand is the feeling of knowing that you are really and truly alone.
It's not like I don't have friends, but friends cannot be with you 24/7. I guess I just kinda miss having someone to talk to and to share my problems/nonsense with. Like having someone to sms/whatsapp throughout the day..someone I can complain to when I step in a puddle of water, or when something happens to be annoying me at that particular point of time. I have close friends that I can text, but it'd be just weird (and as much as they're used to my weirdness) to randomly whatsapp them saying "omg, you know I just stepped in a puddle of water? T___T"
But you know, the irony is this..when people actually do text me, I'd get annoyed most of the time. At first it's fine..but when the conversation starts getting no where and I start replying with 1 word answers, I really wish they'd get the hint and stop finding new topics to talk about. And really, this is what happens most of the time.
I'm really picky about who I talk to, or maybe I'm just antisocial, I don't know. Honestly speaking, in the past the only reason I'd talk to someone is 1. I'm interested in them 2. I need something from them
Okay but now I've actually found people that I wouldn't mind talking to, or even enjoy talking to, and they don't fall into either category 1 or 2. And that's good, except..it seems like unless someone is interested in me, they'd most likely not be interested in talking to me.
Okay whatever, anyways..school starts in 4 days time. Which is next Tuesday. And from now till then, I'm proud to say that I've absolutely no plans at all so I'd be stuck at home for the next 3 days (4th day not counted cause I'd be in school by then). Yay.
Have I mentioned how much I hate staying at home? Cause staying at home means I've nothing really interesting to occupy myself with, which translates to loads of free time to think and mope around and feel sorry for myself for god knows what reason.
I should really stop all these nonsense and try to enjoy whatever solitary time I have left before school starts and I have to get busy. But who am I kidding right. I don't want to rot at home out of boredom!!!!!!!!! :(
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