Honestly speaking, if I were to have written this a few weeks back, I wouldn't be saying this. But as of right now, I've had time to think everything through and look at things from a wider perspective. Come to think of it, life's all about perspectives isn't it?
Although an event or an occurrence might be something that's unchangeable, but it's possible to change the way we feel about it, or the way in which we allow it to affect our lives.
When something bad happens, it's only natural that we'd blame it on ourselves. We'd think that maybe we didn't put in enough effort, maybe we didn't try hard enough, or maybe we just weren't good enough. All these might be true, but there really is no need to constantly beat yourself up over it. Easier said than done, but eventually we all learn to let go, whether you see it happening anytime soon or not.
I guess we just need to learn to see things as life lessons, instead of punishments for our mistakes. Of cause we make mistakes, for to err is only human.
When we think back about a certain moment or event that changed our lives, something that we regret, instead of repeatedly asking ourselves "why did I do that?!" we should instead be telling ourselves "I'll be sure not to do that again".
And this applies to every single aspect of life. Be it studies, friendships, family, love, or work.
Going on to my next point, actually I've been thinking and I realised that when something unexpected happens and when we feel down and out cause of it, most of the time it's not because we want that thing or person that much, till it hurts. But most of the time it's because we are unable to accept the sudden change and that's what hurts. Because for so long we've been so fixated on something, that it becomes the only way things can go and when it doesn't happen as expected, that sudden change is what breaks us.
It's like one of those plastic rulers we used to use in school. I'm sure we've all tried bending it before..we bend it slowly and nothing happens. Yet if we were to just bend the ruler in one swift motion, it'd be bound to snap.
And that's why when we're in a relationship (A) and one day it suddenly ends, we find it so hard to accept and the pain is indescribable. This as compared to someone that you really like (B), but never really got together with. For all you know, the latter might be so much better than A and you might even like him more. But when both ends, you remember the never ending days of torture you had gone through and that indescribable feeling you felt when the breakup happened..yet somehow the feelings weren't so intense this time round. You realise it's not cause you felt lesser for B, but it's cause the change isn't that great. A was someone you had imagined a future with, it was something you believed to be secure and long lasting, whereas B was just uncertainty all along, hence a smaller degree of change.
Lastly, talking about change, last year someone told me that I've changed. I spent the longest time wondering if that was true. I suppose a part of me didn't want to believe that that's true, but as I was doing some packing, some reminiscing, and in the midst of my reflecting, I realised that maybe it was true afterall.
For my own credit, I'm actually glad that not all change is bad. However as I looked through my photos, I saw a side of me that I didn't like. As they say, a picture speaks a thousand words and I asked myself, was this really the person I want to be?
I thought of all the things I've been doing recently, and this voice just said "you know xinci, this is not you."
I might have never been the most innocent angel or the best model student, but neither was I this person.
I guess people all change under circumstances, but whether we grow from it, or allow ourselves to fall backwards, it's all up to us.
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2013. I'll be seeing you soon (:
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